The Urge

I've started to understand how big of a deal this whole being sick - thing really is only lately. I mean, I've always known it touches your whole life, but when you really get deep down into it, like I've tried to do, you can't really ever reach the bottom.

It's not just about getting from a daily task to another and accepting it once. I, being a curious mind, have a tendency to want to fully understand all the obstacles on my way. For me that's the way to tackle them. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. By getting to know my enemies, scleroderma, Raynaud's and their associates, keeping them closer, I have eventually become friends with them, and let them loose.

Last time I wrote about needing. Losing and being in a constant need of help are deep stuff. Deeper than many healthy realize. But this time I want to go even deeper, wonder something that will take us to the next level.

I'm not an existentialist. What drives me from day to day is a feeling that the things I do or say lead to other things and always affect someone else, in good or in bad. I've seen how it works in my own life and in the lives of my loved ones. There's always some meaning in all we do and why we are here.

Meaning. A reason. I've watched so many movies, read so many books, novels and stories about people whose lives have lost their meaning after becoming sick, illness taking it from them. Left with no reason we come undone. We stop being. The person you were is no longer. Turn my back: The urge has gone.

The same urge that guided you through your hardest times is not something you can turn to anymore in a search for motivation. Your goals no longer exist. You were on your way to the stars but now you're just so far from the shore that you're afraid of sinking. You're choking for air, trying to hold on what you've just lost, searching for a hidden meaning to it all.

But when everything is said and done to looking for answers and you still catch yourself begging for that only one.. What's left for you then? You find yourself empty handed, wounded, with a constant war inside your head reminding you that there's no point for you to be here anymore.

It's like forgiving something hard to forgive: You have to do it again every single day - Find a meaning for your existence. It may not be the same it has been before, but I've learned that every morning is a new possibility, a new chance. Each day is different, and if you're willing to receive, each day has something new to offer.

On some days finding those reasons to live seems much harder than on the next one, but always remember that you deserve to feel
Important, and that your life has a meaning.

What's worth the prize is always worth the fight. I, myself, have found a meaning in scleroderma itself; It's a way for me to get to know me and life better. It has dramatically changed the course of a dear friend's life and made other people understand what we are going through. Isn't it ironic, don't you think? But where does an unfortunate event happen, also happens plenty of plesant ones.

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade is such a cliche but that's just how it goes. I suggest that you find someone whose life has given him Vodka, and you make a hellofa party together.