Fear pt. 2

Yesterday was the day I was promoted. After 2 months of basic training and 4 months of non-comissioned officer school I finally became a med corpral. That basically means I have more duties than rights in this firm we call The Finnish Defence Forces. That promotion itself to me was a nice thing but even bigger promotion and reason to celebrate is definitely the opportunity I got: I'll be staying in the unit that trains non-commisioned officers to train them for the last 4 months of my service. It's a highly valued position I'm lucky to have. It'll be challenging, but also a great fun.

It's been crazy for the last couple of weeks. I've been a bit stressed so I've barely slept during the nights. I guess change stresses me out if it's happening when I can not control the course of events. I know I should just let go and go with the flow but it seems that I'm totally unable to do that.

Couple of months ago I noticed something funny on my right ankle. It was something that looked like a bruise but then again, not. I stopped for a while, stared at it, and then turned away. I promised myself I'd check on that again after few weeks if it's still there, and tried to forget about the whole deal.

And so it turned out, it wasn't a bruise. At least it's not gone even after couple of months. The skin on the patch looks shiny and just a little brownish, like the milder scleroderma patches I've had for years.

The one definition of linearic scleroderma is that it's supposed to be on the other side of the body as in on the left, or the right side. My whole left side from the toes all the way to the side and the shoulder blade is covered in scleroderma. The part that worries me the most is definitely the left ankle, since it reduces my ability to move. Ballet is impossible nowadays, as well as some other forms of dancing and exercising. I haven't been abel to stretch my left thigh or abs for years. The cold weather is killing me because of Raynaud's but also because of my joints.

Finding weird new patches on the right side of my body far away from the older sclero-areas is definitely scary. To be honest, I have a special relationship to ankles and I'm really fond of them. I need them to be able to move, walk, run, fight, evacuate, dance.. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but if this patch on my right, healthy ankle really turns out to be scleroderma, ain't the whole system fucked up then?

You know, fear is a funny thing. That I have learned during these last weeks. I'm scared as hell what will happen if this really is scleroderma. I've built my life on the thought that it's me on charge, not sclero. But still, in the middle of uncertainty and stress I couldn't channel the fear I felt on me. Instead, during the whole time, I've been afraid what might happen to my loved ones that are not near me, even thou there's been nothing to worry about. I've been so scared and stressed about what's happening to Tomi, Ville, my sisters, parents, friends.. I've been more afraid that ever, for no reason at all. I don't know why that is but I guess it helps not to worry about myself.

I'll be on a leave for over a week now, so Imma try to sleep and relax with the family. I'll try to get rid of the stress so I'll be ready for nex challenges the decade will bring.

I think I have a lot more to say about fear, but this was an update about my health and my journey in the army. I just want to wish a Merry Christmas to everyone and Healthy and Happy New Year 2011. May it be the best year ever for all of us.